..Ben, Ben, Cal, Mel..

walking on a tightrope

we're people walking on a tightrope. everything in our lives is a matter of balance. sometimes things get heavy on side and sometimes things tilt to the other side and when these problems occur, we usually struggle a bit and get our balancing stick straight out again. that's for most of e times at least. the really bad problems come when we tilt too much to one side and fall of the rope. that's when we need someone to really just help us back up...

i dono i just tot of this analogy while i took a bus to school today. it's kinda weird today... just out of the norm and after the exams with nothing to do, i just suddenly felt like going to church. gnostic call or smth. really really weird cos i've never gone to church without occasion before. and so just when inside the ado room and was thinking of reflecting and all... but lolz fell aslp -.-

ok so pensieve today. growing up... as ben calls it. i wonder if all the questions will disappear. but really... life is so much abt a balancing act. somehow i can't express wats wrong with it but i just feel it's wrong somehow. hmm ok maybe just oversensitive...

MeL stepped on your garbage at 6:01 PM

fruits basket

hey everyone... do u guys check e blog... but nvm even if u'll don't it's ok cos the posts are as much for myself as they are for u guys. anyway i'm just reflecting on an anime i got caught up with recently... fruits basket. it's a non-violent (ok maybe just a little bit) teenage high school kind of anime with only 26 episodes. but yea i got really interested in it for some dark reasons which i don't feel like revealing :( sound so ominous.

i've only watched like 6 episodes out of the 26 but one of the themes hit me rather strongly... maybe i'm just finding meaning where there's no meaning in the anime at all -.- but ok lets not talk abt the anime and talk abt the theme. the theme of acceptance and rejection (rice ball in fruits basket get e idea? no? nvm...) and hmm so many things in what we do has gotta do with acceptance and rejection. everything from wanting to look good, look cool, do well in sports, academics, arts and we're just revolving around what other ppl think. sounds so shallow but haiz so inescapable. it'd just be so wonderful if we can totally heck care about what other ppl think.

i used to think that being poser was just gross and so i tried to stay as much from it as possible... but then i realized after a while that not wanting to look poser is exactly the same as wanting to look poser (ok that didn't really make sense). cos whether u pose or not, u're just wanting ppl to see you the way you wanna be seen, whether its cool or whether it's poser or watever i'm getting incoherent i must maintain my rationality and cannot digress into deluspeak (as ben calls it).

acceptance and rejection. think wanting to be accepted is rather inevitable... isit? i wonder what it'd be like to totally be able not to care about what others think. then again maybe that line of thought is just selfishness put in another form. haiz so confused. and such an amazing thing being accepted is... then when u get accepted into a community u can feel that u don't even need any other form of acceptance cos u found ur place in that community already. think that's the deep kind of acceptance that ppl kinda yearn for and get in strong friendships and relationships and all. and there's the surface-level acceptance to follow the trend and look cool and just be accepted on first impression by everyone even tho they might not know u at all.

lolz just penning down some thoughts and letting off some steam... no motive to this post intended :( why do i even have to convince ppl that there's no ulterior motive. maybe i have an unconscious ulterior motive that makes me conscious that i don't wanna sound like i have an ulterior motive. so i gotta put down a statement to convince ppl that i don't have an ulterior motive. wat nonsense am i talking abt.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 11:41 PM

church camp. and a tempo.

hey hey just returned from church camp... and it was really an experience. not my first time going for a church camp... but it's the first time that i'm in church camp being a leader instead of a participant... so guess it's an entirely new experience.

lolz some new terms here so just bear with me and uh if u'll don't understand wat i'm talking abt just heck or can ask me or smth. i guess the major difference in being a leader and being a participant is that now, i'm the one that's gotta lead the discussion and sharings... and gosh it's sooooo challenging. awkward silences are kinda taboo in sharing sessions so it's kinda my job to fill up silences with questions to probe the students and all...

and most heavy on my mind was the responsibility. church camp is usually the time when the students have their 'leap of faith'... and it's like their huge step towards growing closer to God and all... so yea i just felt so much responsibility and was very troubled if i was adequate enough to lead the students... cos after all this is a life-impacting and turning-poin-in-life kinda situation. and i kept wondering like "oh no if i didn't do a good enough job then the students are gonna miss out on a whole new experience cos of my incompetence" and yea plagued by doubts of myself.

i'm not sure if u'll are familiar with these kinda things... but at this point of time, intellect has such a small role to play. it's all about EQ... knowing what to say and when to say it, knowing how to reach out to people and haiz team dynamics and being sensitive and all...

i just really hoped i did good in the camp... and made a difference in the students.

and now on to atempo... a tempo was fantastic. i dono how we sounded professionally, but i know i really really enjoyed it and the audience enjoyed it a lot too and that's really just enough for me. just that i had been wearing my contact lenses for so long and i almost got a headache (thank god for denise's panadol) and was feeling so super duper lethargic during practice cos i ate half a packet of maggi mee -.- i cooked maggi mee for myself before goign to school and the maggi mee sucked like shit so i didn't eat half of it. yuck.

and yea on to e farewell part of a tempo and investiture... e day after a tempo i was just suddenly felt so sad that things were going to change. our whole row... people i sit next to in concert... band leaders and so many other things. i guess i just got so comfortable with the situation. but not only that i think in all my years... i've never gotten close to seniors. never ever. my seniors just same :) i'm a good junior and i respect my seniors but that's that and that's all. somehow this year i just got so much closer to two of my seniors, denise and joy and it's been so great knowing them and all. usually concert is just ok we sit there and mr oura scolds ppl and sometimes i fall asleep and sometimes i'm just stoning. but now there's ppl to talk to... and every concert is just so much more animated and lively and haizzzz i'm so gonna miss all of that.

oh and i'm definitely not excited about being sl -.- ugh

such a long and drawn out post... did u'll read thru everything?? lolz congrats if u did.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 9:34 PM

thanks

Today was mighty fine. Really gonna miss the seniors and all. Yukit, SiokTeng, Priscilla, Christine, Yeng Ling, ShaoShuang(the erase(r/d)), Jerminah, and you Benny. Our section rocks loh. Sigh. Awesome people.

And this is one of those times when realization materializes into substantial thoughts, to be put down in words and etched in my memory and life forever till further agents influence it.
All that's worth giving up, for in truth they worth nothing at all
My truth.

Rarely get the opportunity to thank you guys for simply existing. Life's so much more than that which we hanker after. Cya'll around!

---

Hey I just tweaked with the links profiles and stuff. Update them k? ok byebye dota forever.

ben stepped on your garbage at 7:25 PM

ee where's our title!!! how come our title disappear de. ok anyway lolz just realized how gloomy e last post sounded :( how come use so many :( got 10 min to spare before going out of e house so just a quick post first maa.

so bo liao. oh i cleaned the fish tank!! so proud of myself :)

MeL stepped on your garbage at 10:14 AM

on the wings of love...

ok title got no relation to the post... just listening to this song and i tot it's a nice song... no idea wat to put for my title anyway.

haiz some things are getting really strained... wouldn't mind u guys knowing but i don't want other ppl to know :( so cannot blog abt it openly. think i'm being stretched thin so yea it all has a cumulative effect on my outlook and attitude and all that. which means yea everything's looking rather bland now -.-

did i mention that the hols is just packed ( :( don't even wanna complain abt this cos :( ... nvm)

MeL stepped on your garbage at 11:39 PM