..Ben, Ben, Cal, Mel..

leaving...

whew i'm watching the coming of saturday with equal amount of excitement and apprehension. sometimes i'm just so grateful and happy that the coming two weeks are gonna be part of my memories (and i know i'm definitely gonna enjoy the next two weeks) but sometimes i'm just struck by the cold fear of being totally jerked out from the norm for two whole weeks. two weeks!!! one fifth of a term... and i start thinking of all the things i'm gonna miss. how long i'll take to catch up with everything and everyone when i return. i've never done anything remotely like this... on my own in uk for two whole weeks in the middle of a school term.

whew. so many things to pack and to remember and take note of.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 8:53 PM

mushroom outing :)

mm we went out today to celebrate zwing's birthday. one day belated but then i've never had qualms abt late birthdays lolz... anyway cha yeh had the rj performance and another guy was grounded so 4 of us only... we went to nydc for dinner and the food was ugh ok rather terrible and there were really so many awkward silences... but guess its inevitable that we are distanced.

but it was really great just meeting up with everyone again. feeling of warmth and everyone's just so willing to keep the group going and everything was smoothhhh. really treasure them and just wish that can become closer... they are ppl that i can count on for help when i need help but we've drifted such that we can hardly hold a convo without awkward silences and we're a little uncomfortable with each other (sobz or isit only me) and we don't share much and we don't know much about each other's everyday life.

we happened to mention blogs... think i was the one who asked if e rest kept blogs and they all didn't... quite a few thot blogging was stupid as i used to a few months ago. but i guess it's really useful in getting to know ppl better... to read other ppl's blogs and to get insights even tho they're really an inaccurate portrayal of self sometimes. guess a shared blog makes a lot more sense. lolz or am i just convincing myself.

another thing we discussed was what we wanted to do for the year... and wow i realized that i actually did almost everything that i wanted to. cip, pass napfa on first try (albeit my 2.4 was so pathetic) and other stuff... altho i think i have even more things i wanna do now that i actually planned out for myself.

so many changes. ahh work work.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 9:49 PM

happiness

seems so strange how this topic just kept popping up so often recently. i started thinking about true happiness a long while ago... remembered discussing it with ack during class time in sec 4 or smth and even then i had my theory about happiness even tho now i'm not really sure wat it is anymore. but i do know something... that we should revolve our lives around searching for it... maybe i'm wrong but right now just feel that there's nothing else much to live for apart from happiness. don't mean it as some cynical there's-nothing-to-life kinda perspective, or some selfish everything-is-just-about-me-being-happy view also...

recently, i started loaning books again and started on a new fantasy trilogy... it's a sequel to another trilogy (those kind of stories that is built on another entire world with its own history) and stuff like that. and when a classmate saw it... he was like "how come u still read these kinda books? u really have a lot of time" and i realize that quite a few ppl have been saying that to me. and i think to myself... really? i think i'm specifically making time for all of these. i know studies are impt and i know i definitely didn't not study... in fact this CTs were one of the few times where i felt that i was so prepared that i had nothing else to study. but it's just 2 years before army... and there's so many things to do, learn, try and experience. i wanna know wat i'm doing at each point of time and treasure the moments.

i think when some ppl see me do the things i do... playing so much, acting so silly sometimes, playing stupid games, reading fantasy books... they judge me for being immature and childish... and i was just abt to think that they are the ones being silly at not being able to see the way i do but i realize that i'm just judging them also. really so difficult to be good. gotta be so cautious of everything i say and do and then just a little too much and i become fake and manipulative. as i said before... everything's a balancing act.

let me expound on fantasy :) i just feel so warm all over when i think that whenever i want, i can just retreat into my own to read and sink into a world where magic and adventure exist (instead of stale homework and project and even cold technology). and even more glad that there's so many more awaiting that i can't see the end of the magic at all.

bleh the more i type this post the more incoherent i'm getting and the more confused i feel and feel that i'm talking more crap. so shall just end here. so tempted to delete the whole post but no matter how crap it is it is still a piece of my mind and worth recording so lolz shall just leave it as it is.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 7:48 PM

cheated. deceived. pissed. rejected. left out.

why isit that the things i blog about are gloomy... ok it's quite logical really. recent state of mind is such that these seemingly small and silly things all hit so hard.

haiz ok actually wanted to blog about how i felt in the bus just feeling frustrated of having a piece of band life stolen away from me. lolz title is really hyperbole-ing wat i felt... but a little bit of each word ba.

but after dotaing i feel super empty and drained so bleh nothing to blog about already. wat a sucker dota is.

gaping vacuum inside... fill it with rich and succulent experiences of soul-rendering joy. and chickens and ducks and cows :) talk nonsense

MeL stepped on your garbage at 10:44 PM

ultra monday blues

omg today is just a culmination of depression and moodiness. can u imagine titanic's heart of the ocean shining at the bottom of the sea, it's radiant blue captivating everyone despite the already overwhelming blue-ness of the ocean around it. that's how blue today was - total sian-ness with a climax -.- so coincidental that it happened to be monday again. lolz ok btw i realize that the post is super long winded and it basically just says i'm sian in abt 8 paragraphs so yea giving a warning...

ok firstly, my sleep was disrupted!!! early in the morning my bro and my mum woke me up and kept me awake throughout the soccer match with their shouts and all that zz. and then my brother wrenched me (yes literally pulled me) across the bed to make space for himself so he could like underneath the quilt. omg! like mega indignant and irritated.

and that was the trigger. luckily it rained and no assembly so could sleep through the whole of that. but anyhow the entire day was just sian. after 2 hrs of physics prac (which was rather uneventful i think) went for maths lecture. seems like i wasn't the only one feeling sian cos the lecturer (normally feisty and scolding ppl) was strangely lethargic...ok i'm really just making it more poetic and it really was... basically she was just super lifeless also. probably pmsing or smth.

after that we were supposed to have a pw interview with a pw teacher but she wasn't free... guess i was rather glad cos i was totally not in the mood but then again was plagued with frustrations of having to arrange the interview all over again.

after lunch went to the varese room to open the room and things went quite well... since shaun and jas decided to go also when i originally thot that i'd be there alone. did my maths tutorial and pretty much had nothing left that i could do without a comp and so was feeling rather satisfied with myself. that's when all the moodiness returned with a BANG (yea in caps).

for me somehow wasting time (especially waiting unneccessarily) just irks me off. and this time i had close to 3 hours for my irritation and frustration to build up. and so in search of something to do apart from restless naps that usually ended in grumpiness, i made a list of things to do when i got home and the things that i will miss when i went to cambridge. and hey guess wad? the list kept growing longer and longer until i got fed up with so many things i had to do and so i just got even more irritated -.-

i know loads of these are just small stuff and probably seems like i'm making a mountain out of a molehill and all but all these things just get to me harder than other ppl and haiz. balance balance balance. wat a thin line.

and of course the climax of the day that made solidified the gloom of the day into an angsty turmoil that had to be captured (which is why i'm blogging btw). and the beginning of the end of the day started of with h3 physics. of which i got so confused and didnt' understand (which normally won't really bother me cos everyone knows its normal not to understand h3 physics) but this time the confusion just added to my already pent up frustrations.

and so i walked out with ackerley out of the lecture and it just felt great to walk and talk so casually without restraint after such a long day... and we settled in the canteen for a light snack even tho had dinner at home cos i was super hungry (now that i think abt it it probably just added to my mood also... zz when i'm pissed anything can add on to it). then we met up with some other friends and geppers.

after some discussion, i realized that one of them (for anonymity's sake) got like 80+ percent for nearly all his cts and wow ok the inferiority complex just hit me real hard. cos i always used him as a gauge of myself also and i dono if it just showed how much i had deterioriated. not only that but he had changed so much (fior the better). he's like perfection in every aspect... character, fitness, academics and just superior in so many other ways and it's cos he's a good friend that's why the situation hit rather badly and all and haiz. i know it's silly to compare and wat everyone's advice will be in handling all this frustration (even tho now it's almost all gone which is why i'm having a rather hard time recapturing my feelings earlier today) but somehow it's really so inevitable and sometimes just talking about it sincerely, having someone to talk to was all i really wanted. and i know i have ppl to talk to (all u guys and siblings and all) if i but ask just that at that moment... oh well it was just really depressing

:) must be dota withdrawal whole weekend never play. so must play dota again.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 8:30 PM

monday blues

omg today is just sian. zz youth day stay at home it's mega sad sobz. i feel sooooo pathetic.

ok so i woke up at 10 and ate breakfast and i watched constantine. understood the show so much better with subtitles and all... but still a rather meaningless activity.

then i dono wat happened in the time leading up to the point when i watched sytycd and aiya ok basically today was a damn boring day. only highlight was watching sytycd and ben came over to watch cos his moniter spoilt. but THATS ALL and omg for a public holiday that's really sad case.

lolz another analogy of life if u will... altho it's ben's. but i think it's just so appropriate that wanna share it with e two of u also. the comparison of life to physical geog... more specifically the weathering of a rock. benny cal u'll take geog so lolz not alien to u guys right. and a rock's face is constantly changing, eroded by wind, water and stuff that physical geog has neatly termed 'agents of change'. so hmm wat is a rock's true shape? wat is our identity when everything around us is influencing us to change? shall quote my diary... thot abt this before.

"What changes in a person? Fluidity. The implications of any view of human nature is staggering. Do we change? Do we have an identity and personality? Do we have an innate self or can we change our character at will? So fundamental to defining our lives and yet such an elusive answer that we all have to find in order to live life better. "

does it disturb u guys? or am i the only one bothered by our fluid or unfluid nature? ok maybe we don't even have to find out the answer.

recently been hit by quite a few surges of nostalgia (hmm is dat the word?) cos it's been so long since i went to play bmt with the mushroomers and i went yesterday... and really didn't realize how much i've been missing old friends until i went back to play. and it was so good just seeing old familiar faces again... wats more was that we recounted past experiences together and brought back so many fond memories. it's really not the same remembering on your own. when you recount with someone the feelings you felt then erupt again and haiz talking abt the past reforges the bond we shared. and for a moment i guess the link was made again... and of course old classmates as well. feels so good to renew old friendships and all.

lolz i make it sound that my life is so enriched with so much friendships and all but really i think i'm just an average guy with friends that everyone has... sometimes i start to compare myself with other ppl and i wanna feel like my life is so much more superior but i guess it's just delusional. true deep delusions. bordering on arrogance. and haiz how do we even compare lives?

never really intended for the post to be this long but stuff just kept coming out...

MeL stepped on your garbage at 10:28 PM