..Ben, Ben, Cal, Mel..

happiness

seems so strange how this topic just kept popping up so often recently. i started thinking about true happiness a long while ago... remembered discussing it with ack during class time in sec 4 or smth and even then i had my theory about happiness even tho now i'm not really sure wat it is anymore. but i do know something... that we should revolve our lives around searching for it... maybe i'm wrong but right now just feel that there's nothing else much to live for apart from happiness. don't mean it as some cynical there's-nothing-to-life kinda perspective, or some selfish everything-is-just-about-me-being-happy view also...

recently, i started loaning books again and started on a new fantasy trilogy... it's a sequel to another trilogy (those kind of stories that is built on another entire world with its own history) and stuff like that. and when a classmate saw it... he was like "how come u still read these kinda books? u really have a lot of time" and i realize that quite a few ppl have been saying that to me. and i think to myself... really? i think i'm specifically making time for all of these. i know studies are impt and i know i definitely didn't not study... in fact this CTs were one of the few times where i felt that i was so prepared that i had nothing else to study. but it's just 2 years before army... and there's so many things to do, learn, try and experience. i wanna know wat i'm doing at each point of time and treasure the moments.

i think when some ppl see me do the things i do... playing so much, acting so silly sometimes, playing stupid games, reading fantasy books... they judge me for being immature and childish... and i was just abt to think that they are the ones being silly at not being able to see the way i do but i realize that i'm just judging them also. really so difficult to be good. gotta be so cautious of everything i say and do and then just a little too much and i become fake and manipulative. as i said before... everything's a balancing act.

let me expound on fantasy :) i just feel so warm all over when i think that whenever i want, i can just retreat into my own to read and sink into a world where magic and adventure exist (instead of stale homework and project and even cold technology). and even more glad that there's so many more awaiting that i can't see the end of the magic at all.

bleh the more i type this post the more incoherent i'm getting and the more confused i feel and feel that i'm talking more crap. so shall just end here. so tempted to delete the whole post but no matter how crap it is it is still a piece of my mind and worth recording so lolz shall just leave it as it is.

MeL stepped on your garbage at 7:48 PM